If a dung beetle scratches his arse....

If a dung beetle scratches his arse, do his fingers smell of shit?

If a tree falls in a forest and there is no-one around, does it make a sound? I think it gets itself off the ground, replants itself in total silence.

If a budgie escapes from a house into the wild, the other birds kill it. What if its a real mean bastard?

When a dog rolls in something unpleasant, it hides its scent so no one can follow it. Try rolling in the next available dog turd and you will find it works...no-one follows you.

Is Windy Miller a fartoon character?

Does Father Christmas have a very big scrotal sack?

When they say it kills 99% of all germs, are there some little buggers under the microscope with two fingers up?

Are people from Goole called gooleys?

When adverts show a new improved product it means they are admitting it was shit in the first place!

If water goes down one way on one side of the equator and the other way on the other side, does this mean you can never flush the turd away if your bang in the centre?

They say that you cannot keep your eyes open when you sneeze. This is not true. I held mine open while I sneezed. I cannot find my eyeballs.

It says on the fag packet, Smoking causes cancer. But doesnt explain in what?

One true fact about smoking, it stunts your growth, I know from personal experience. I used to be 9 foot 6, I had one cigarette and am now only 5 foot 10.

The Queen has two birthdays. This makes her about 187 years old.

We have progressed. We used to talk to each other face to face. Now we can stand in the same room and have a conversation with each other on mobile phones via millions of satelite miles.

Are Hula Hoops, foreskins fried?

Well thats it my friends so farewell, beazebub walnut bingo, finger lickin bad, testicular developement.

But some poetry to lighten the heart.

O my little doggie,

My little doggy doo,

i love you o so dearly, even though you done a poo.

I trod on it ,

yes, your shit.

It went through my toes,

Squirted up the nose.

I'm glad I called you Fred,

Cos you are so fucking dead.

Supercalifragglerockiemountainstreams to you all.