Scarybirds

If you have never been to this place, dont.

Its a small place, mainly made up of caravan parks, most of which are struggling or already in the hands of the receiver. The other accomodation is made up of what are proudly known as villas. This conjures up something wonderful and spacious, forget it, some of them are enlarged garden sheds but not as well looked after.

There is one road in and out, the sign reads, birthplace of aviation. This is true, even in those days people were trying to get out by the fastest route possible. Commerce is so good the place doesnt even have a bank.

There are two bridges onto the island. Before I left, I was trying to save enough money to buy enough semtex to blow both of them up so no-one would ever make the mistake of landing there ever again.

Even the animals are affected. Counting the number of roadkill on your way in will tell you that even the most simple of creatures are committing suicide.

The main drag consists of amusement arcades and greasy spoons.

There are no jobs. Anyone who has one will cling onto it like a fly on superglue.

The Home Office show a cruel streak to convicts. There are 5 prisons on the island.

There is talk of in-breeding, that everyone knows each other and is related in some way. I dont know about that, what I do know is that everyone wants to know your business. If they dont know anything about you, they make it up anyway. Dont drive a black car here, that makes you a gangster.

People make out that they knew Ronnie and Reggie Cray or are ex-SAS/Secret Service and obviously cant talk about it.

Careers advice to girls is, get pregnant, get council accomodation.

Careers advice to boys is get an ASBO as soon as possible.

Main entertainment on the island is going to Tesco's in Sheerness, 11 miles away.

No joke but if you lived on the island during the second world war, you had to have a passport to enter or exit the islan. The authorities worried that the germans may land here. Even Adolf wasnt cruel enough to send his troops here. There was talk of it, but all his generals opted to walk the Russian front, stark naked in the middle of winter rather than come here.

The Romans are reported to have called the island The Isle of Sheep. This is a bad translation, it was really The Isle of Shit. It is also known as Fraggle Rock and Craggy Island.

Yes, I can quite honestly say I hated the place. If God wanted to give the world an enema, this is where he would stick the tube. I must have insulted the boss in a big way for him to send me here.

Phone the Samaritans from here and if they recognise the dialling code, they hang up.

There is evidence of drug use here, most of it Valium and intravenous Prozac.

Anyway, I am one of the lucky ones. I managed to escape. I'm not going to say how, but it involved going past the nudist beach, and thats another story.

So be warned. Leysdown on Sea. Dont go there!!